At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Dead sexy!!
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.