At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.


I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.


Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset


For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”


Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.


Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?