At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
There are usually two types of merchants.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
sry
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Don’t make me out nice you.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.