At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Two types of dogs.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.