At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.