@schumoo

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

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@LizerReal

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

@joeldanger

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@Tbone7219

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

@TaraToGo

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

@Tommytoughstuff

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

@3sunzzz

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.