At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????


My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.


SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.


You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?


Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?


[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”


Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]


“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”


You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.