(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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That’s it.I’m out.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
This is my pinned tweet
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
are they though??
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.