[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
You Might Also Like
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me :
All Day At Night
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning