I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why