[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line