@david8hughes

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

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@Lisabug74

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

@marinhubka

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@junejuly12

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@oneawkwardmom

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

@sock_holliday

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why