@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

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@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@997omar

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

@dril

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@un_d_ciphered

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.