[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one