@AndyAsAdjective Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
@mattZillaaaa [at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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@AndyAsAdjective 
@997omar Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
@stephaniemain2 Who knew!
@dril ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
@aveuaskew I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
@GABBYdaAngSaya Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
@patnspankme This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
@stephenjmolloy Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
@skullpuppy11 *E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
@un_d_ciphered I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.