[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live