at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Lucky for them, they’re cute
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
what?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.