At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Sometimes Iβll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like βwhat was it I was doingβ then Iβll be like βoh yeah Iβm driving a carβ
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me: Iβd like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctorβs office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctorβs office: What is childβs date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Well, Iβve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. Iβll be right back.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah weβre good
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My first child will be named New Folder.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“i am a sweet baby”
My 2yo likes to βplay bedroomβ where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games sheβs come up with.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Canβt, Iβm still folding up this CVS receipt.