@dlicj

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

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@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@aweary

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

@TweetPotato314

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

@ginnyhogan_

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

@dafloydsta

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”