at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?