[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
What flavor cupcake are these
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand