At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You Might Also Like
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
So, can we agree on 4 or
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
This is true.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.