[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Sniffing the broccoli
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.