@MadHatterMommy

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

@LuvPug

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@shadonium

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@LindaInDisguise

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

@InternalJane

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.