°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
🤣dope
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Rambo Rambow
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.