[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
August 8
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.