[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂