*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.


Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.


Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”


“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”


“Playing hard to get who?”


The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.


Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.



If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?