COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“My new boyfriend who?
“My future husband who?”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?