*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.