At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
me linking you to my twitter
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold