[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
this FaceApp is creepy af
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
much to think about
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.