[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?


Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose


I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.


I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*


THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—


An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!