[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I thought this was funny lol
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.