*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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meanwhile over on facebook
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately