@fro_vo [hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
@dmc1138 *at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
You Might Also Like
@fro_vo 
@StruggleDisplay (Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
@OakHill_ – grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
@_kayditty The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@illTortuga My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
@ThatBrenna Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
@Brampersandon_ ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
@behindyourback If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
@lmegordon Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
@venomjunkie2 I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.