@slimmy_shady Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
@dmc1138 *at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
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@slimmy_shady 
@msdanifernandez I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
@JohnLyonTweets The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
@Gupton68 Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
@Pandamoanimum Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
@brennadine BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
@kiel_phillips DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
@sarcasticmommy4 When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
@Lovestained555 My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
@PearlsFromMyrna If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.