*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

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me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you


(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…


– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.


Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.


ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho


If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies


Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken


I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.