*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Good dog. ❤️
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter