@dmc1138

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

@StruggleDisplay

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

@OakHill_

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@illTortuga

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

@ThatBrenna

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@lmegordon

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

@venomjunkie2

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.