*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.