[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Lmao the reply
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Best table by far
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Stick it to the man
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”