[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.