At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.