[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose