[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
all that yoga finally paid off
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Fluff me with a fork baby
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?