*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means