[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: