[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”