[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
You Might Also Like
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
twitter users today:
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Shoo shoo! 😂
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
What personal space?
My dog
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.