[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.