[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are