[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
life finds a way
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.