At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude