At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”