At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.