At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow