[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless