[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.