[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Is this you?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”