*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
<- sleeps well with others
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
reminder
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.