*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
all that yoga finally paid off
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story