[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
an airline just for babies.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.